


Burning My Immortal To The Ground

by TheMidnightCrew



Series: The Studio [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M, Humor, MST3k-Style Riffing, My Immortal - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:01:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 9,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23782021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMidnightCrew/pseuds/TheMidnightCrew
Summary: Ebony Dementia Way has arrived to brainwash the masses.With the most notorious story of all time, someone has to tear this story apart with stupid commentary and terrible jokes.
Series: The Studio [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1713187
Kudos: 2





	1. And So It Began

**Author's Note:**

> A repost of the MST-Fic that started this mess. Mind you, Burning My Immortal To The Ground was made about seven years ago, it's old, it's dumb. I (M.C.) was a dumb kid in high school when I made it so the quality isn't the best.  
> Also, Spades wasn't around yet. She didn't join in until further into the story. So there was that, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is not a new story by any means. This MST of My Immortal is roughly seven years old by now. It was the very first story that started our series of Trollfic MSTS. So all of these are super old, written when I was a dumb high school student. The lack of Spades in the begining is because when this began, it was just I (M.C.). Spades doesn't come in until later.  
> If you've read both the version on Fanfiction.net and this one, then you'll notice some discrepancies between the versions. That's because I'm cleaning the chapters up, fixing some commentary, adding new bits as I see fit.  
> I'll be uploading these in chunks rather than Chapter-by-Chapter. So have fun with that. Hope you guys enjoy rereading this mess of a story and MST.

M.C.: I decided to do a flaming review of My Immortal.

M.C.: I do not own Harry Potter, that belongs to J.K.R.

M.C. I do not own My Immortal (Thank God, Ra, The Mirthful Messiahs, and every other religious deity out there.) That belongs to Tara.

**Chapter 1.**

**AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)**

M.C.: And thus was born the 'Fangz' thing.

**2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!**

M.C.: You know, if your life was really depressing, a normal person wouldn't post it on the internet for billions to see.

**MCR ROX!**

M.C.: Music is subjective. But, yeah, expect to see random interjections like that a lot.

**Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)**

M.C.: Okay, so if I have a son who has blonde hair, I should just name him Blondie? Thanks, my son is now going to be the laughing stock of the entire school thanks to your logic.

**with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!).**

M.C.: I'm pretty sure you don't look like Amy Lee, she is actually attractive and you, not so much.

**I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie.**

M.C.: ...

M.c.: You're into incest?

**I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin.**

M.C.: If you're a vampire, of course you're going to have pale white skin.

**I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England**

M.C.: SCOTLAND!

M.C.: Hogwarts is in _Scotland_ you dunce.

**where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell)**

M.C.: Oh, you're a goth? I thought you were a Prep, or a loner, or maybe even that weird kid in the corner, I would have never guessed!

*Sarcasm mode active*

**and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.**

M.C.: I'm sorry isn't Hot Topic mostly a store for wannabe goths nowadays?

M.C.: I went there a few times and really, there was nothing that seemed actually Gothic about it.

M.C: I did find a rack of outfits from the Naruto series, and my Avenged Sevenfold CDs there so it wasn't all bad.

**For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.**

M.C.: Long clothing description everyone! Don't worry, Tara just LOVES focusing more on what people are wearing then the actual plot of the story.

**I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.**

M.C.: Hey, that's rude you bitch. What if they were staring at you because they really liked your outfit?

**"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!**

M.C.: Were those periods supposed to be for suspense? Because that was just a crappy attempt at suspense.

**"What's up Draco?" I asked.**

**"Nothing." he said shyly.**

M.C.: …Shy…Draco?

M.C.: BWHAHAHAHAH!

M.C.: Okay this girl needs glasses because obviously that's not Draco!

**But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.**

**AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!**

M.C.: It's not good, you should burn this now. Trust me on this.


	2. GC Is In This World?

Warning: Complete Stupidity and Poor Writing Skills in My Immortal

**Chapter 2.**

**AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta!**

M.C.: Maybe this chapter will be better with help.

**BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!**

M.C.: How do you know they're preps?

M.C.: Maybe your reviewers who are flaming you are goths.

**The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again.**

M.C.: Is that even possible? I've never heard of it snowing and raining before, since Snow is frozen rain.

**I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had.**

M.C.: I'm tempted to say that's not blood, just red Gatorade.

**My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet**

M.C.: I'm not a goth, but since when was Pink, HOT pink, gothic?

**with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas.**

M.C.: That poor, abused shirt.

**Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.**

M.C.: A messy bun…that doesn't sound Gothic. FAKER!

**My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u!)**

M.C.: Wow, self inserts of friends, I would have never guessed

*Sarcasm Mode Active*

M.C.: Can someone shut that thing off? I don't need it interrupting my review.

**woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt**

M.C.: My God! Another abused shirt!

**with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)**

M.C.: Why does she need foundation? She's already pale!

**"OMFG, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.**

M.C.: I got a question, does anyone actually say 'OMFG'? The letters, not 'Oh My Fucking God'

**"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.**

**"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.**

**"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.**

M.C.: Fuck, girl, no need to scream.

**"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.**

M.C.: He has a gun behind him, he's going to shoot Ebony and save us all.

**"Hi." he said.**

**"Hi." I replied flirtily.**

M.C.: …You just said you don't like him.

M.C.: You just said and I quote, 'No I so fucking don't'.

M.C.: Now you're trying to flirt with him? Just…no comment.

**"Guess what." he said.**

**"What?" I asked.**

**"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me.**

**"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR.**

M.C.: We get it, you like MCR

**"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.**

**I gasped.**

M.C.: Was that supposed to be suspense? Tara: The worst author at suspense.

M.C.: But, really, ending a chapter with "I gasped" is _not_ a good way to end it!


	3. Feed Her To The Spider!

M.C.: Hey guys, welcome to chapter three.

M.C.: Glad to see you're all back. I'm surprised none of you have run away in fear because it's _My Immortal._

M.C.: I'm even more surprised I got reviews so shortly after posting it. People actually like this?

M.C.: Weird.

M.C.: Because the chapters are short, there will be quick updates.

**Chapter 3.**

**AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK!**

M.C.: 'Preps' Keep flaming the story! ITS NO WHERE CLOSE TO BEING ASHES

**odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws!**

M.C.: Oh God… people actually reviewed positively?

M.C.: Were they literary masochists?

**FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte.**

M.C.:…That isn't a good sign. But if you're a fan, spell the damn name right at least!

**On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky.**

M.C.: Wasn't that counter productive?

**I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists.**

M.C.: There…

M.C.: There is going to be a lot of that in here isn't there?

**I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding**

M.C.: I hope she didn't bandage it, because then she would bleed to death.

M.C.: How the hell does she bleed anyways? She's a _vampire_. She's an undead fiend.

**and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner.**

M.C.: You my friend-

*Sarcasm Mode Active*

M.C.: I'll ignore it this time, but you, my 'friend', must have some impressive neck muscles to be able to support the tons of makeup you plaster on.

**Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.**

M.C.: Hey, hopefully she gets a disease, dies, and this can be over.

**I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car.**

M.C.: So, Draco, the same Draco who is part of a muggle hating group, owns a car, which is muggle technology.

**He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too),**

M.C.: Simple Plan started in 1999 under the name Reset.

M.C.: They did not become known as Simple Plan until 2008.

M.C.: When Harry Potter was in its 7th year, it was 1997.

M.C. Simple Plan doesn't even exist yet, and it won't be known as 'Simple Plan' for another eleven years.

M.C.: My Chemical Romance, for that matter, didn't start until 2001, so they, too, don't exist yet.

M.C.: But logic! Who cares about it in this story!

**baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).**

**"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.**

M.C.: Can you stop describing everything as 'depressed'? There are other adjectives you can use without being so repetitive!

**"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz (the license plate said 666)**

M.C.:…Because that's cool?

M.C.: Goth and Satanism aren't even the same thing. You can be gothic and not be Satanic. 

**and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs.**

M.C.: And crashed into a tree because you were both stupid and high, the end!

**When we got there, we both hopped out of the car.**

M.C.: Hopped out? Like a bunny, are you two wearing little rabbit outfits too?

**We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.**

**"You come in cold, you're covered in blood They're all so happy you've arrived The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song).**

M.C.: If you owned the lyrics, I think I would have to kill someone.

M.C.: More fun facts: _The Chronicles of Life and Death_ , the song and album this is from, wasn't released until 2004. 

M.C.: Reminder: Seventh year takes place in the 90's.

**"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice.**

M.C.: ...Girl... what the fuck?

M.C.: You never, _never_ say someone else is hot while on a date.

M.C.: You _never say that you think someone else is super hot to your date._

M.C.: It's just... it's just rude!

*Rage Mode Active*

M.C.: Oh, that's new.

**Suddenly Draco looked sad.**

**"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music.**

M.C.: What's…wrong…

M.C.: What's wrong?

M.C.: You. Are. An. Idiot.

**Then I caught on.**

M.C.: Thank the Mirthful Messiahs.

**"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.**

**"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.**

M.C.: Draco, please, snap out of it!

M.C.: She's a whore!

M.C.: Throw your arms into the air, storm out, take the car you shouldn't own and leave! Let her walk back to Hogwarts!

**"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face.**

M.C.: Hey, what's wrong with Hilary? And how can you hate someone you don't even know?

**The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer**

M.C.: Underage Drinking, that is two or three things that they have done illegally this chapter.

**and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them.**

M.C.: Why would Draco want to be in a picture with muggles?

M.C.: THIS ISN'T MALFOY! IMPOSTER!

**We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… the Forbidden Forest!**

M.C.: And once again, the master of suspense is at it again.

M.C.: Maybe Draco was just buttering her up before feeding her to Acromantulas.


	4. The Name Is Enoby Now

Warning- This chapter contains Tara's deluded idea of a lemon.

**Chapter 4.**

**AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY nut mary su**

M.C.: Oh, glad we got that out of the way.

M.C.: I've been calling her Ebony this whole time! It's great to know her name is Enoby.

*Sarcasm Mode*

M.C.: For the love of-!

M.C.: I thought I turned that thing off!

**OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent!**

M.C.: If I dated someone and they started acting like Draco is, I would dump them.

M.C.: He has no personality! Who want's to date someone without an definable personality or identity?

**dey nu eechodder b4 ok!**

M.C.: And this is something that was not once brought up before nor will it likely be touched upon in the future.

M.C.: Had she not put it in the Authors Notes and rather mentioned it in the actual story, it might have been plausible.

M.C.: But when writers do this, it's just lazy.

**"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"**

M.C.: Enoby, don't you remember what I said last chapter?

M.C.: He's going to feed you to those giant spiders!

**Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.**

M.C.: How do you just walk out of a car?

M.C.: People get out, then start walking, but I've never seen someone just start walking out of it like the car is a bus.

M.C: Is that even possible?

**"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.**

**"Ebony?" he asked.**

**"What?" I snapped.**

M.C.: Draco, look, you're making her angrier cause you keep calling her Ebony! 

M.C.: Call her by the right name and you might get on her good side.

**Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts)**

M.C.: Contact lens. Suuuure

M.C.: You should probably go see a doctor. Just to be safe.

**which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.**

M.C.: Well, at least he's somewhat evil. Sort of.

M.C.: I personally never really classified Draco as being evil like the others. He's a bully and more as just doing what he could to make his parents proud or do as they tell him.

M.C.: I mean being a jerk is kind of expected with how he was probably raised.

**And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree.**

M.C.: Oh God!

M.C.: That poor tree!

M.C.: It's going to need decades of therapy now!

**He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra.**

M.C.: Why the hell was Draco wearing your bra? I would be asking him about that instead of kissing him.

**Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.**

M.C.: Wow! Way to be graphic!

M.C.: You were so straight to the point. You couldn't even have the decency to soften the blow?

M.C.: And did you really need to use the "T" word there? Have some shame!

M.C: _Just call it a cock!_

**"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm.**

M.C.: Really? You don't sound like it. He must suck at sex then.

**We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm.**

M.C.: To feel warm, you need blood. Vampires don't have blood, thus you shouldn't be able to bleed.

**And then….**

M.C.: Drumroll for the A+ Suspense!

**"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"**

**It was….Dumbledore!**

M.C.: The iconic line itself!


	5. In Which Spades Arrived

Welcome back, today we have a sorta-guest reader. I I have a co-commentator with me today, an annoying friend who wishes to be known as Spades. 

**Chapter 5.**

Spades: Wowie.

Spades: Five chapters in already?

M.C.: With how short these chapters are, it's no wonder that one can get through them quickly.

M.C.: Thank the Mirthful messiahs for that, though, I don't know if I'd be able to handle it if it were longer.

**AN: STOP flaming!**

M.C.: How about we don't?

**if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr!**

Spades: I'm neither prep, poser, nor a goth.

Spades: World isn't as cut and dry about what kind of people there are.

M.C.: You can't forget the loners.

**Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache**

M.C.: Which would have been more believable had you brought it up in said chapter.

M.C.: Something like 'Dumbledore yelled at them, his throbbing head making him irritable and volatile.'

Spades: She doesn't really think through her chapters does she?

M.C.: I think she's just typing what comes to her mind first and then coming up with justification and excuses afterwards.

**ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx!**

Spades: That is legitimate reason to be mad at them.

**PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!**

M.C.: Means you're going to get 5 Anonymous reviews that are good, or your going to make some fake accounts to get the reviews.

Spades: I wish the original was still up.

Spades: I'd love to have seen the original reviews.

**Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.**

**"You ludacris fools!" he shouted.**

Spades: It's been forever since I've seen or read Harry Potter. But, I can kind of see Dumbledore call someone a ludicrous fool.

**I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face.**

M.C.: How much more of a stereotype can you become?

Spades: She's a vampire right? Vampires don't have blood.

M.C.: _That's what I've been saying_!

**Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.**

M.C.: I can understand Snape being there, but why is McGonagall there?

**"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.**

M.C.: And those giant spider things didn't eat them! That's the greater crime!

Spades: Acromantula. I don't think she even knows about them.

**"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.**

Spades: Okay, now this is getting suspicious. The language choice is weird but they are a bit in character.

Spades: In that they are justifiably angry.

M.C.: Trust me, Spades, it's not going to last.

**"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape.**

**And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!"**

M.C.: Oh, you were in love with her? It was so well hidden, I would have never guessed!

*Sarcasm Mode Active*

**Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms."**

M.C.: Yeah, the guy who was willing to give detentions just for forgetting a potion or something, won't give a pair of students detention for having sex in the Forbidden Forest.

M.C.: Sounds legit.

Spades: Must be the perks of being Slytherin

**Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.**

**"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.**

M.C.: It's Enoby, not Ebony! Get it right, Malfoy!

**"Yeah I guess." I lied.**

M.C.: See! She's so angry that she's lying to you now! Some boyfriend you are, forgetting her name!

**I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels.**

Spades: What? Are you going to a dance or something?

**When I came outâ Ś.**

Spades: Is all the suspense this bad?

M.C.: Yes.

**Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, even though he wasn't supposed to be there.**

M.C.: Flattered? I would be more like demanding what he was doing in my room!

**We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.**

Spades: Draco wouldn't have left if he didn't want to, he would have been a stubborn dick and stayed until someone he had to listen to made him leave.


	6. Vampire Potter

**AN: shjt up prepz ok!**

M.C.: I am not a prep.

**PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!**

M.C.: You said that the last time, too.

M.C.: And yet, here we are.

**The next day I woke up in my coffin.**

M.C.: I wish you woke up out of your coffin, right into broad sunlight.

M.C.: That way you'd burst into flames and die like any vampire.

M.C.: Ah, who am I kidding. Your a vampire only in name.

**I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.**

M.C.: Spray paint? What the fuck???

M.C.: You don't use spray paint for your hair, that's common sense! **!**

**In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood.**

M.C.: Of course, a vampire must eat Count Chocula.

**Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.**

M.C.: Good! Now change into something decent.

**"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it.**

M.C.: Oh God. this?

M.C.: We're going to deal with the crappy love triangles, aren't we?

**He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick.**

M.C.: Yeah, that looks awesome, you look great Goth Boy 2, really wonderful.

*Sarcasm Mode Active*

M.C.: One sec, I need to go unplug that machine…

**He didn't have glasses anymore and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's**

M.C.: Just like Draco, you should get a doctor to look at this case of red eye you got-

M.C.: Wait…

M.C.: Don't tell me….

**and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.**

M.C. Oh God…NO!

M.C.: Don't panic M.C.! It could be anyone who suffered a head injury! Maybe the scar was because he fell down a flight of stairs! She wouldn't really-

**He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden.**

M.C.: I'm sorry, but if it's who I think it is, they look nothing alike.

M.C.: Why not just say he looked just like his actor?

**He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko.**

M.C.: You're the one who said it, not us. 

M.C.: Don't use a simile if you don't want people thinking it.

**"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.**

**"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.**

M.C.: Really? It's okay? Your boobs are covered in blood. I'd be pissed if I were you.

**"My name's Harry Potter,**

M.C.: _NO!_

M.C." Nononono!

**although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled.**

M.C.: I'd be grumbling too if people decided to call me Vampire instead of my name.

**"Why?" I exclaimed.**

**"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled.**

M.C.: OH SWEET MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS! HE DOES NOT GIGGLE!

M.C.: And now she has him doing hematophagy?

**"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.**

**"Really?" he whimpered.**

**"Yeah." I roared.**

M.C.: Because roaring at people is normal. IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL!

M.C.: But seriously, she's weird as fuck. 

M.C.: And she's not a vampire, she just think she is. 

**We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him**

M.C.: Yeah, remember Draco? Your boyfriend? 

**burning y immotal**

M.C.: Immortal y burning


	7. Vampire Potter is a Mother Fucker

Warning- This chapter contains a terrible attempt at a lemon.

You Have Been Warned.

**AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws.**

M.C.: And all respect for humanity just went down the toilet.

**n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons!**

M.C.: Surprisingly enough, 'Tin' is not a number.

**STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U!**

M.C.: That's gonna take a while, you'll have to report every. Single. Review.

**Evony**

M.C.: So you're playing war games, now?

**isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS!**

M.C.: I actually want to defend the Satanists now because Enoby is a terrible representation for them. 

M.C.: I also don't think she knows what a satanist is.

**n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake!**

M.C.: Still doesn't make her a good character. 

M.C.: You've turned everyone but the adults into Fake Satanic depressed pansies.

**Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish**

M.C.: Were 'pale hands' and 'black nail polish' necessary info?

**as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish**

M.C.: You just said it was black nail polish.

**(AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?).**

M.C.: Just for future reference:

M.C.: If you have to argue that your character isn't a Mary Sue, chances are she _is_ a Mary Sue.

**I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco.**

M.C.: Okay, I get it, Harry is in love with Draco. But what about Ginny?

**Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…**

M.C.: He took out his wand, a spell was cast, from which it caused Enovy to melt from the inside. With the evil vanquished, everyone lived happily ever after. The end.

**We started frenching passively**

M.C.: Passive makeouts. So hot. 

**and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically.**

M.C.: Objection, your honor! The witness has stated a blatant contradiction!

**He felt me up before I took of my top. Then I took off my black leather bra**

M.C.: That…can't be comfortable.

M.C.: Why would they make leather bras?

M.C.: ...

M.C.: I'm going to ask Spades about this.

**and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)**

M.C.: Putting it in caps doesn't make it any less stupid.

M.C.: And your constant A/N interjections just makes the story worse.

**"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm**

M.C.: You could at least try to sound like it.

**when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it.**

M.C.: Real original, Draco.

**On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire!**

M.C.: Finally some drama! Shitty drama that… 

M.C.: Fuck this is just making it even shittier.

M.C.: What direction is this love triangle even going in at this point? 

**I was so angry.**

M.C.: I'm always angry, you ain't that special.

**"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.**

**"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much.**

M.C.: _She knows too much!_ Draco, you must kill her!

**"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**

M.C.: You... did not just do that.

M.C.: Can we as a society just stop assuming that if you were in a homosexual relationship you have AIDS?

M.C.: Moving on. If he has AIDS, you've probably contracted it from him due to all the unprotected sex you had against the tree.

M.C.: I wonder how that tree is doing with it's recovery. I should send it a gift basket.

**I put on my clothes all huffily**

M.C.: Huf- wait no, to easy.

**and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care.**

M.C.: I don't think we really cared about how big his dick was.

M.C.: And, yes, you can say dick. Or cock if you're feeling brave.

**I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.**

M.C.: Snape is not going to let you get away with interrupting class.

M.C.: And I love how the rest of the class is just delegated as 'other people'.

**"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled**

M.C.: Oh, did he fuck your mother?


	8. Tara Doesn't Understand Cheating

"Ugh, I hate this so much," M.C. complained as he sank into his chair, going deeper and deeper as if he was trying to be swallowed whole by the cushions, as if disappearing into the endless abyss that coins went to in couches would save him from this Hell. It wouldn't.

"This story is a literal nightmare!"

He groaned, looked around, and then forced himself to sit straighter. "Fuck it. Fine, let's get started!"

* * *

**Chapter 8.**

**AN: stop flassing ok!**

M.C.: Can someone explain what is and how to ‘flass’?

M.C.: Because if it pisses her off so much, I want to do it.

**if u do de prep!**

M.C.: If being a prep means I’ve a brain, then I’ll proudly be labeled a prep.

M.C.: Regardless of how inaccurate that description is.

**Everyone in the class stared at me**

M.C.: Geez, I wonder why.

M.C.: Could it be because you barged into a class and screamed at a student?

M.C.: No! It couldn’t be!

**and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.**

M.C.: That’s… nothing of what Draco would do.

M.C.: He’s too proud to parade around naked and disgrace his family name, too proud to beg someone to take him back.

M.C.: Can someone give me a gun? I got a fake to shoot.

**"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.**

M.C.: She’s going to be too dumb to listen to whatever excuse you have, Draco.

M.C.: You’re better off giving up and going somewhere else.

**My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly.**

M.C.: Who the fuck is she?

M.C.: Why did you put an apostrophe in ‘Bloody’?

M.C.: Why are you adding more shitty OC’s to the mix?

**She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood**

M.C.: So she opened her eyes like one opens blood?

M.C.: That makes no sense.

M.C.: Not that anything here does.

**that she was wearing contact lenses on. She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on.**

M.C.: Redundancy is redundant.

M.C.: Why cake on white makeup when you’re already pale as fucking snow?

**Hermione was kidnapped when she was born.**

M.C.: Random as fuck but…. Oh… _oh._

M.C.: _Oh no no no no no no no no no!_

M.C.: Oh fuck no, please!

**Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed.**

M.C.: FUCK NO!

**It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. )**

M.C.: You can’t just change your house. Your house has nothing to do with your religious affiliation! It’s by traits and values! Like ambition! Courage! That sort of thing!

M.C.: Because you’re satanic you have to be a Slytherin?

M.C.: Tara! It’s blatantly obvious you’ve no idea how the house sorting works!

**"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.**

M.C.: Oh boy.

M.C.: You _never_ ignore Snape.

**"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him.**

M.C.: Uh, that’s not how it works. At all.

M.C.: You’re dating _Draco,_ not Vampire. Vampire never cheated on you because you were never together.

M.C.: And having a past relationship is not the same as cheating!

**Everyone gasped.**

M.C.: They were so in shock of how much of a dumb bitch she was.

**I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me.**

M.C.: God damn it all! A random POV change with no warning? What the fuck?

**I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony)**

M.C.: I mean no offense towards anyone. But I call bullshit on what Draco just said.

**for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker.**

M.C.: Hey! Britney Spears is a God!

**We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.)**

M.C.: Apparently you did.

**"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire.**

**"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed.**

M.C.: Stop with the POV change! You’re going to give me whiplash!

**I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco**

M.C.: Enoby, you never had any virility to begin with.

M.C.: Not that this Draco has much, either.

**and then I started to bust into tears.**

M.C.: Don’t you just hate it when your boobs start bleeding one chapter, and start crying in another?


	9. This Tree Can Hold So Much Trauma!

"Okay, everyone. Nine chapters in," M.C. announced, looking haggard, looking ready to throw himself off the nearest cliff. Too bad there weren't any nearby. "Almost a fourth of the way done. We can do this. We can survive this Hell. Just thirty-three chapters left to get through after this. We're making good progress."

* * *

**Chapter 9.**

**AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!**

M.C.: Never a good sign.

M.C.: But it explains all the OOC-ness we’ve been faced with.

**dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!**

M.C.: Except the characters weren’t up and cursing at each other in the movies, either.

M.C.: If I remember, the movies were fairly faithful to the books.

**besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!**

M.C.: That’s not an excuse.

M.C.: If I can’t use having a migraine as an excuse for swearing at everyone I see, then you can’t use it to justify your own shitty writing.

**and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist!**

M.C.: Snape wasn’t the biggest Harry fan to begin with, because of the dumb love triangle between him and Harry’s parents.

M.C.: Good to know this school is discriminating against other religions, though.

M.C.: Not that I’d consider Enoby, Harry, or Draco to be actual Satanists. They’re the middle school edgelords.

**MCR ROX!**

M.C.: Can we go one chapter.

M.C.: Just _one_ chapter.

M.C.: Without you inserting unnecessary shoutouts to bands?

**I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me.**

M.C.: Except he wasn’t cheating on you.

M.C.: Not that I would blame him if he was. You’re a terrible person.

**I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.**

M.C.: You just love adding to that tree’s growing trauma, dontcha?

**Then all of a suddenly,**

M.C.: A sniper took his shot and the bullet passed through your skull and your brain, killing you instantly.

**an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything**

M.C.: And everything?

M.C.: What is this everything?

M.C.: That’s just about as bad a word for description as ‘stuff’!

**started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose**

M.C.: You’ve already said he had no nose.

M.C.: What is this? The Department of Redundancy Department?

**(basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. It was… Voldemort!**

M.C.: Yeah, we kind of gathered it was Voldemort from…literally everything that you have said: No nose, bald, saying that it was Voldemort in the movies, so on and so forth.

M.C.: Wait… fuck.

M.C.: She’s going to fuck him up too, isn’t she?

**"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius*!" and I couldn't run away.**

M.C.: *Inhales*

M.C.: It’s _IMPERIO_ you dumbass!

**"Crookshanks**!" I shouted at him.**

M.C.: Crookshanks… is… Hermione’s _cat_!

**Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist so I stopped.**

M.C.: It wasn’t even a spell!

**"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!"**

M.C.: He doesn’t talk like that.

M.C.: Uuuugh!

**I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.**

M.C.: Okay, he looks _nothing_ like Joel Madden.

M.C.: Just say he looks like Daniel Radcliffe, you coward!

**I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?**

M.C.: You… are the biggest idiot ever!

**"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.**

**Voldemort gave me a gun. "No! Please!" I begged.**

M.C.: He… gave her… a gun _?_

M.C.: A _gun_?!

*RAGE MODE ACTIVATED*

M.C.: WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A WITCH USE A GUN TO KILL SOMEONE WHEN THEY HAVE WANDS? WHEN THEY HAVE MAGIC? YOU DON’T BRING A GUN TO A MAGIC FIGHT!

M.C.: _I am so sick and tired of Tara destroying these characters what the actual fuck is wrong with her?!_

M.C.: _CAN WE JUST STEAL THE GUN AND SHOOT HER OR ENOBY INSTEAD? THAT WOULD BE A WHOLE OF A LOT BETTER THAN—_

And out of the shadows someone drew a tranquilizer and pulled the trigger. The dart hit M.C. right in the neck, releasing it’s contents into his veins. The rage and fury etched on his face dissolved not confusion, and then into drowsiness as he stumbled back, falling down into his seat.

M.C.: What…?

M.C.: Thanks, I needed that.

**"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!"**

**"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.**

**Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.**

M.C.: An expression that is so completely and utterly justified!

**"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly.**

M.C.: So you can move shit with your mind, good for you! That still doesn’t answer her question.

**"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.**

M.C.: Voldemort, listen.

M.C.: If you kill Enoby here and now, you will be hailed a hero. Don’t you want that? You can kill her and the world will be on their knees thanking you.

**I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.**

M.C.: Kill her. Kill her, please.

**"Draco!" I said. "Hi!"**

**"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad.**

M.C.: Of course he’s sad. You were an absolute bitch to him.

**He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit)**

M.C.: It’s not funny.

**between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.**

M.C.: You just love making characters look like people you love even if they look nothing alike.

**"Are you okay?" I asked.**

**"No." he answered.**

**"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.**

M.C.: Expelled. We can only hope she gets expelled.

**"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.**

M.C.: No, it’s not okay.

M.C.: None of this is okay.

M.C.: This is trauma-inducing trash.


	10. The Return of Spades

The stage was dark. Completely, encompassing dark. Not a sound, not a creek, not a speck of light.

A long groan filled the air. A single spotlight turned on above, shining down onto the stage below. A simple, black, swivel chair sat on the stage. Silence, a long pause. The beating hearts could be heard, the racing pulses could be heard.

The chair turned.

Seated on it was Spades. Her eyes hidden by sunglasses. A black suit adorning her body, her cloak draped over her shoulders. An orange cat sat curled on her lap, purring as she ran her fingers through his soft fur.

“Hello, everyone,” she smiled. “M.C. is currently unavailable. He’s had it with this story and needed a break from Enoby and from Tara both. But, we couldn’t leave you wanting. So, I’ll be taking his place until he comes back.”

The cat jumps from her lap and Spades threw her sunglasses to the side to reveal the glasses underneath. “Don’t know how long this will be. But hope we have fun together. Now! Let’s delve into this mess!”

* * *

**Chapter 10.**

**AN: stup it u gay fags**

Spades: Hah! Jokes on you; I’m straight as the stick M.C. keeps up his ass!

**if u donot lik ma story den fukk off!**

Spades: But where is the fun in that?

Spades: We’ll leave you alone once you start spelling this story right.

**ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al**

Spades: So you’re just changing canon facts around to suit your whims? There is a limit to how much of that is okay in fanfiction. You’ve passed that limit a _long_ time ago.

Spades: Also, Hermione was never a muggle. Her _parents_ are muggles. She’s muggle-born.

**n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok!**

Spades: Being _evil_ has nothing to do with your house!

Spades: Look at Peter Pettigrew! Gryffindor! Loyal to Voldemort! Evil rat bastard!

**I was really scared about Vlodemort all day.**

Spades: Yeah… he _is_ someone you should fear.

**I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666.**

Spades: Oh Enkindlers, she’s in a band too?

Spades: I want out. M.C. had the right of it to up and ditch.

**I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar.**

Spades: Of course.

**People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR.**

Spades: That… sounds absolutely horrible, to be honest.

**The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.)**

Spades: Didn’t you just meet Vampire Potter that very same day?

Spades: Also, it’s less painful to just assume that Ron, Harry, and Hermione are still in Gryffindor, these are just imposters.

**and Hargrid.**

Spades: _Hagrid_?!

**Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead.**

Spades: You know, if your boyfriend is depressed, you should probably go see him.

**I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists**

Spades: EVEN MORE REASON TO GO SEE HIM AND MAKE SURE HE IS OKAY!

**(he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that)**

Spades: You’ve written it before in other chapters. Chapter Six had you wearing _two_ crosses.

Spades: You are a fake ass bitch.

**or a steak)**

Spades: I want to make a meat pun, but she isn’t worth the effort.

**and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride.**

Spades: _You have no right to say that movies name with your putrid mouth in this household!_

Spades: I’ve been watching that movie since I was six. It has a few sad scenes, but it’s not depressing!

**I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not.**

Spades: Unfortunately for you, your words hold no weight at all as your actions in the past and in the future have proven that you are, in fact, a cheating slut.

**We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.**

Spades: What happened to ‘writing songs’?

Spades: Also, maybe you should go see a doctor. Your breasts aren’t supposed to cry.

**"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice.**

Spades: I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

**"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily.**

Spades: In her defense, if my boobs started to cry, I’d be angry and freaking out, too.

Spades: Maybe you should take her to the hospital.

**And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry!**

Spades: Harry? I thought he wanted Vampire dead. Though he probably does still want Harry dead. Chosen One and all that. But his priority right now is Vampire.

**But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco.**

Spades: Because people aren’t allowed to have past relationships.

**But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears. Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.**

Spades: Were you just eavesdropping this entire time? Why?

**"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted.**

Spades: Justifiable anger. I’d be pissed too if my life was in danger.

**"How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?)**

Spades: Yes. Yes it is. He’s stammering. He’s calling her a poser. He’s swearing.

Spades: Let’s also not forget he’s _dating_ Enoby, who, it seems, is muggle-born. He would never date anyone but a pureblood.

**I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive.**

Spades: Even more out of character.

**Then he ran out crying.**

Spades: Absolutely out of character!

Spades: On the other hand, I can totally imagine him screaming ‘don’t look at me!’ while running out, like in those comedies.

**We practiced for one more hour.**

Spades: Because your band is more important than making sure your boyfriend is okay.

Spades: Wow she is a terrible girlfriend.

Spades: If I ever become this kind of girlfriend, I implore you to beat the crap out of me.

**Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache.**

Spades: Is he finally expelling her? We can only hope!

**"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely.**

Spades: Wisely crying. Yes, the wisest action of all.

Spades: But an even better question is what _hasn’t_ she done?

**(c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y)**

Spades: That doesn’t make him any less painfully OOC.

Spades: She’s making the old man cry. We should hunt her down.

**"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."**

Spades: Didn’t you just say he’d be fine because he’s a vampire?

Spades: Sheesh, she can’t even be consistent for a single chapter!

Spades: And the fact that this could have been prevented if she had been a decent girlfriend for five minutes makes this even worse!


	11. Old Man Love

Spades grimaced, shaking her head and then trying her best to smile. "Yikes," she said, and flinched. "Just _yikes_. I've barely done anything here, and I can already tell why M.C. hates this so much. This is mental torture of the highest degree. Just reading these, I'm filled with a need to slam my head against the nearest wall and to fix all the mistakes Tara made writing this."

She paused, shook her head, and gave a bitter laugh, "No one has enough time or energy to fix this mess, though. Anyways. Let's move on! Chapter Eleven! We can do it!"

* * *

**Chapter 11.**

**AN: i sed stup flaming up prepz!**

Spades: But fire is nice and fun.

**c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus!**

Spades: You heard her, everyone!

Spades: This chapter deals with “rly sris issus!”

Spades: So it’s definitely _not_ going to be super stupid.

**sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw fangz 2 ma frend raven 4 hleping me!**

Spades: So far it’s been very stupid. Let’s see if it gets any less dumb.

**"NO!" I screamed. I was horrorfied!**

Spades: And this is why you don’t be a bitch and why you need to make sure your significant other is okay if you know they are sad.

**B'loody Mary tried to comfort me but I told her fuck off**

Spades: She is a bitch to her friends, too.

Spades: Why does anyone like her? She has no redeeming qualities!

**and I ran to my room crying myself. Dumbledore chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way.**

Spades: So a teacher going into the room of a girl to offer comfort after her boyfriend dies means he’s going to look like a pervert?

Spades: I’m pretty sure no one at Hogwarts would assume that of Dumbledore.

**Anyway, I started crying tears of blood**

Spades: Yeah, that’s not normal. You should see a doctor.

**and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume.**

Spades: Can you stop encouraging self-harm? It’s a serious issue and a serious problem. It’s gross that you’re having Enoby do it whenever she feels like it.

**I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide.**

Spades: I would pay her five bucks to seppuku herself with a wooden stake.

**I was so fucking depressed!**

Spades: Aren’t you always?

**I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly.**

Spades: Why should we care about what you are wearing?

**I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings.**

Spades: Again; why should we care about what you are wearing?

**I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed…**

Spades: I’m going to suspect that was some of the ‘Grade A Suspense” M.C. keeps complaining about.

**Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it!**

Spades: They were eating… the video tape?

Spades: That’s gonna be hard to chew.

**They were sitting on their broomsticks.**

Spades: Why did she turn them into pedophilic perverts?

**"EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!"**

Spades: Clearly the fake Snape and Lupin are.

**I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it.**

Spades: You were already dressed! What’s the point of a towel when you were wearing clothes?

**Suddenly Vampire ran in.**

Spades: Kill her, Vampire!

**"Abra Kedavra!"**

Spades: It’s _Avada Kedavra_!

Spades: Also, have fun in prison, Vampire. Or did Tara forget that those curses result in prison time in Azkaban?

**he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb.**

Spades: So, Lupin has a womb.

Spades: Good to know.

**I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke.**

Spades: Why are you using a gun when you are a _witch_!?

**Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in.**

Spades: So he’s not afraid of being a pervert anymore, now is he?

**"Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"**

Spades: This is what happens when you allow Mary Sues in your school.

**he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…**

Spades: Is he going to kill Vampire for using the Killing Spell on them? Or on Enoby for shooting them?

**Hargrid ran outside on his broom and said everyone we need to talk.**

Spades: I know it’s already established, but I felt like we need to reinforce this fact;

Spades: Tara is terrible at writing.

**"What do you know, Hargrid? You're just a little Hogwarts student!"**

Spades: Uh… no? No he’s not?

Spades: He’s the groundskeeper.

**"I MAY BE A HOGWARTS STUDENT…." Hargirid paused angrily. "BUT I AM ALSO A SATANIST!"**

Spades: WHY?!

Spades: Why HAGRID of all people?

**"This cannot be." Snap said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Dumblydore's wand had shot him.**

Spades: So Dumbledore also tries to kill Snape.

Spades: He’s been shot, hit with a killing curse, and whatever Dumbledore did to him.

Spades: Snape, you’re dead. I know it sucks, but trust me, you’re better off being dead than being here.

**"There must be other factors."**

Spades: What other factors do you need?

**"YOU DON'T HAVE ANY!" I yelled in madly.**

Spades: Any what?

Spades: Oh! I know!

Spades: Chocolate! Hagrid doesn’t have any chocolate! Everyone wants chocolate and he didn’t bring any with him. Oh, silly Hagrid.

**Loopin held up the camera triumelephantly. "The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!"**

Spade: Was there even a point to any of this?

**I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not drink enough blood.**

Spades: And we should care, why?

**"Why are you doing this?" Loopin said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his clook.**

Spades: Clock? Cloak? Cock? Who knows!

**And then I heard the words that I had heard before but not from him. I did not know whether to feel shocked and happy or to bite him and drink his blood because I felt faint.**

Spades: My head hurts reading that.

**"BECAUSE…BECAUSE…." Hargid said and he paused in the air dramitaclly, waving his wand in the air. Then swooped he in singing to the tune of a gothic version of a song by 50 Cent.**

Spades: He doesn’t have a wand.

**"Because you're goffic?" Snap asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afraind it meant he was connected with Satan.**

Spades: Being Goth has nothing to do with Satan. People on this hellsite need to realize that.

**"Because I LOVE HER!"**

Spades: Oh no! The power of love!

Spades: We need to retreat!

Spades: this forty-some year old man’s love is too strong!


End file.
